I hear this from people more often than you’d think:
“I don’t feel appreciated. My boss is hard to work with. What do I do?”
The truth is uncomfortable. You can’t force someone to be respectful. You can’t make them value you. And if they don’t want to change, you can’t make them.
But you can control how you communicate — and what you request — especially when giving feedback upward.
Why upward feedback feels risky
Feedback usually flows down the hierarchy. When it goes up, it can feel like you’re challenging authority — if done bluntly.
Delivered poorly, upward feedback can come across as putting yourself in a one-up position over your manager, questioning their competence in front of others, or trying to claim power you don’t officially have.
That’s why the how matters as much as the what.
1. Ask for permission first
Don’t jump into feedback cold. Start by asking if they’re open to hearing it. This keeps the relationship intact and avoids putting the other person on the defensive.
Try: “I have some suggestions on how we could work together more effectively. Would you be open to hearing them?”
The word “suggestions” is softer than “feedback” and reinforces that they remain in control.
2. Stick to what’s neutral and observable
Avoid judgment or assumptions. Focus only on what you directly saw or heard.
Instead of: “You stole credit for my work.”
Try: “In Thursday’s meeting, the title slide had your name but mine was missing — on a project I’d worked on for three months.”
This keeps the conversation grounded in facts, not interpretations.
3. Make a clear, specific request
Wrap up with a concrete, actionable ask. It gives the other person a path forward.
Try: “In future presentations that reference my work, would you be willing to include my name on the title slide?”
If you just say “Don’t do that again” or “That was unfair,” they may not know what to do differently.
4. Share the impact when appropriate
Sometimes people genuinely don’t realize the effect of their actions. Sharing the impact helps them connect their behavior to how it lands.
Try: “When my name isn’t mentioned, it makes it harder for me to get visibility for my contributions.”
This builds awareness without blame.
5. Accept that some people won’t change
Even if you do everything right, some managers won’t change. When that happens, the focus shifts to protecting your own well-being — whether that means limiting exposure to the problem, moving teams, or moving on entirely.
Walking away isn’t failure. It’s choosing the environment where you can do your best work.
Giving feedback upward isn’t about asserting power. It’s about creating a working relationship that’s honest enough to actually work. The goal is to be heard — not to win.